|
How to help children become adults?
You must first create them to develop an environment in which the child wants to do something, and if it did not work - forcing him to do something.
You know, the process of education takes place in nature?
For example, the Eagles, who are going to teach her chicks to fly, they know that he has to fly. Imagine what they would sit and cry, "Oh, I feel sorry for my child, it's so small, puny! ".
Time would have passed, and the nest would have been an adult eagle that can not fly! He would simply starve to death, because his production is either on the ground or in the air, and he is sitting in a nest on a rock and can not take advantage of powerful wings. Therefore in nature it does not.
Knowing that the chick has to fly, the parents gradually (note slowly!) Make the situation in the nest less and less comfortable, clean feathers, grass, and so on. N., And then completely push the chicks out of the nest, so that he could spread their wings fly.
And if he can not - they pick it referred to the nest, but then still pushed by continuing to do so for as long as it does not fly.
A man, a rational being, doing everything exactly the opposite: more and more concerned about the younger the child, allowing him more and more, "to sit on the neck," is not accustomed to work and ability to take care of myself.
And then think of the performance of 18 children of a sudden, for no apparent reason, begin to serve yourself! But this reason does not occur. And adult children continue to lead a carefree life, and their aging parents, more and more strain to the life they provide.
In connection with this, you just need to develop a program of "forced" transfer to your adult child's self.
What do I need to do?
1.
Decide how you see the future of their child
Respond in writing and specifically. Answers such as "happy and rich" - will not do. What is meant to be "rich"? And that - "happy"? For example: "I see him do what he likes (journalism, etc.) Or working at a construction site foreman having a separate housing (specifically a)." Etc.
2.
Talk to the child himself, how he sees the future
You need to get a specific answer. Every ten ask them to describe in detail his vision, and then you get to the truth.
3.
Compare the results
I believe you will be very surprised. This is where all the problems begin, t. To. Your vision often does not coincide with the vision of the child.
Here's what I wrote Love Latypova when faced with the problem "head-on", "Next I have gone through severe shock, making repairs in the apartment and moving the books from his son's room. There were so many that another myth, "We are poor people, hardly ends meet" just falling apart before our eyes.
The books were good and expensive, many of them bought with his own son, a student, and of course, not only on the scholarship, even increased. The classic version of "Where's the money? - From the tables' work at all.
The second part of the question, "And where are the nightstand? "- Does not even arise. Having discovered this, I was furious. First - son not exercise due diligence, so to speak, to other needs of the family, then - on yourself, do not control costs, and do not discuss money issues with him.
Then I realized that it was not the lack of attention and due respect to the parent. We just have had different priorities, and each of us by default acted in accordance with their own ideas about life.
In my priorities was to give children a good education, and it is meant to maintain basic life functions of the family and to release his son from having to think about survival.
In his priorities it was also to receive a good education, but for him it meant the freedom to buy the books, as it deems necessary, regardless of the cost.
The differences in the perception of life were not discussed, because not even meant - I just thought that if I "main" in the family, all the folds automatically as I opened. "
Analyze the situation in your family, maybe you're doing something wrong.
4.
Discuss the role in the life of your child up finances
What will he do? At what income he expects? Will this income to meet all its needs? What are his needs?
5.
Professional Training
Help to find out what earnings can expect adult child after graduation. And then he gets a higher education? And more specifically? And specifically? What can he do now in order to earn some money? What kind of (amount) and how your child is going to manage them? What time is it prepared to allocate to earn them?
6.
Practical skills handling money
Announce that you have a goal to teach him to handle money, because you will always be able to contain it are not. Define the conditions of your new "cash nexus."
7.
Requirement to maintain a financial report - an integral part of your new relationship
This is the only way to gain control of your finances and instill responsibility. Put conditions - at that age you can be tough: a new form of your relationship. Outstanding money - discussing. Not to control, but in order to be sure that the transition of the financial apprenticeship in financial maturity is normal.
And start with the weekly relationship. Remember: the transition - is not a statement of mutual claims, and the desire to teach responsible approach to money and their self-sufficiency. If you have a sense of guilt, then think what a shame actually 19 years of age to "sit on the neck" mother (or sister at all - a woman.)
In 18 years we sent their sons to defend it, so why in the 19 years he is still under the care of a woman! And no guilt should not be!
We are "cripple" their children, letting adulthood unprepared.
8.
Plan your training program (3-6 months)
Adult child who is "stuck" in his childhood and which is convenient to «off parents," it is necessary to allow time for this transition. First and foremost, you have to tune ourselves to the fact that your child has grown up, and you just need to give him a financial literacy campaign to pass the responsibility for his life himself.
That might look like "a program of transition to self-sufficiency"
1. Set a date on which your child must pay for their costs (in full or in part - depending on your situation) independently.
2. Put the condition of the need to find a job and have your income. If a child learns it comes to work in his spare time. Practice shows that students can find free time to earn some money. Very rare (depending on the complexity of the university) student busy studying a whole, but even in these universities at the undergraduate youth earns.
3. Help to consider options for employment on a permanent or temporary job. Do not believe the myths about the lack of jobs. The one who searches always finds - it would wish. Now we are not talking about "nicely at" a place for your child, and about the source of income that will feed him.
4. Help to make the budget expenses of your child. Maybe he just does not know how much money you spend on a monthly basis. Review all the expenses that you pay for, and explain that after you set the date of these costs (fully or partially) - responsible for your child.
5. Solve the issue of the place of residence. Unlike other countries, especially America, in Russia it is difficult to solve the housing problem: ask your child to find an apartment and move. It is understood that buy a house at this point he can not, but maybe he can find rented accommodation for themselves or live there with a friend by contributing half. It all depends on whether he can pay for the apartment. And most importantly, if you can survive his move.
6. If you are a bad option, discuss the living conditions in the parental apartment. Do not forget to charge a fee for accommodation. The cost of the rent is constantly growing, and this burden is your adult child has to feel the same. If you pay part of the cost of an apartment is difficult for him, then proceed differently - use it free labor: it undertakes to continually clean up, to repair and so on. N.
7. Discuss financial affairs weekly. Condition your wallet account and your adult child needs to know to within a penny. And do not give him the money (if you still continue to do so), as long as the report is for the money will not be drawn.
8. Be prepared for all situations of provocation on the part of children, who can play the role of "little child" who must be pitied. Delays in this respect are misplaced.
9. "If your goal - to make children strong, give them an opportunity to act and to take risks, despite fears and defiant behavior - the usual reaction to the trials faced by children." (J. Godfrey)
Educate children has always been a difficult, but in the current conditions it is doubly difficult.
But if you want to help your child to become independent, it must realize yourself that your child has grown up, and we must treat him as an adult, which, in addition to rights, there are also responsibilities.
And if his childhood was delayed for various reasons, just help him and show opens up new opportunities.
Because being an adult - it's a big advantage, because it was then that one becomes truly free, it is everything in this life on the back and front of him opened all the way! Of course, if he takes responsibility for his fate.
|
