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There once was a little boy in the world. While he was a kid, my mother guarded him from all problems. And when it's time to grow up, the problem began with the boy - he did not want to take responsibility for their lives on ...
Have you heard this story? But such a "fairy tale" of their own children can tell very many parents today. Who are the parents whose children now 16-25 years old, I can say that their child become an adult?
We will not consider the biological signs of growing up, we are interested in the transition from full material support, when the responsibility for the child's life are the parents, to complete self-sufficiency when it becomes independent.
Her parents aims to learn the child, so that he received his degree, then find him a job, the child has a regular income, and when to marry - to help acquire their own housing or give part of his not taking even pay the rent, not to mention the serious financial investments, when grandchildren are born.
According to sociologists, adult, mature man becomes when he has a specialty, he is living separately from their parents, and he earns his living. If American families have a tradition of binding to start an independent life of 18-19 years, when the child goes to college, in Russia this period is blurred.
Children leave the parental home only when they go to study in another city and try to organize their lives independently (but often still financially dependent on their parents) or get married or get married and start living his family.
The parents have their child's financial support and assistance until enough strength and capability. When the forces and capabilities to an end - they start to hit the alarm and ask for advice, because the adult child does not want to get off the neck of the parent.
According Dzholayn Godfrey, American female psychologist, there are several important reasons why children get stuck between financial dependence and financial autonomy and is not willing to leave the parental home.
1. Parents too actively create a cozy home environment for the child, and (hot baths, good food, cheap service).
Why somewhere to go, and if the house all at hand? But our parents do not consider how much it costs them a child, not even thinking that it is necessary to create some inconvenience "to the chick finally fluttered out of the nest."
On the contrary, every year in the family living conditions are getting better and better, because the child requires greater spending on themselves, sometimes to the detriment of the interests of the parent.
2. Fear, debt, inability to plan prevents molodezhi even think about ... to leave the nest.
Children who have not received adequate financial education ... I do not know how to create the same comfort as at home parents. They are not seeking independence, convinced that they themselves never get the same house.
In our situation, this view is supported even by parents who are themselves leading a difficult struggle for survival, "cut" the wings of children and do not allow even try to realize themselves in anything. I could continue this list of reasons why children are not in a hurry to organize their own lives:
3. Young people are not in a hurry to take responsibility for their lives themselves.
Due to the fact that a child in adolescence parents are not talking about
the need to provide for themselves when a, say, 18 years, relying on the fact that it's obvious.
Especially since their environment is trying to have fun and not think about anything, and the media stereotype of life form the consumer who has to enjoy life and not worry about where to get the money for such a lifestyle. It turns out that adult children continue to sit on the neck of the parents, because it suits them, their desires are satisfied and one of them asks for nothing in return.
4. Children have no incentive to do something.
S. Ermakova, a famous writer, writes about this: "If a person has everything you need: a room, clothing, entertainment (TV, computer, tape or books, newspapers - independent of intelligence), if the table three times a day there first-second-third ... why would a man look for problems? Why would he run? Do not abuse it! He did not shameless, not lazy and arrogant. It is simply no incentive to work.
What kind of incentives do you mean?
Firstly, to satisfy their basic needs. If a person has nothing to eat, nothing to wear and can not pay the rent, it will not be fun, but will look for paid work.
Second, the person must get satisfaction from what he does. "Produce, create, create - a vital need, and, like any need for the human body, accompanied by pleasure.
You teach your child to enjoy the work? "
A friend of mine told me about his daughter, who came to learn from the correspondence department of one of the institutions in our city. And since the school special diligence was not rely on internal branch was not necessary, and the mother had the funds to pay only part-time.
But diligence is not increased and the Institute: a mother helping her daughter do all coursework, copy and sought materials to daughter flunked session. Furthermore, it is still sitting on the neck and the mother does not work. Meanwhile, the question of where and by whom the work her daughter, the mother replies: "Nowhere. It's run and I have to look for a job. Yes it is, and not on any kind of work she agrees. And once to me now. " Why did the girl to work, if the mother does everything for her?
5. Parents are not sure that the children right, and do not want to develop their independence. Their concern does not know borders.
I know one mom who had a married son does tridtsatiletnemu repair bought him an apartment and chooses a tile for the bathroom because he "can not cope."
6. Not any of the adult children of age at the time to develop the habit of earning pocket money.
According to TNS Gallup Media, only 14, 3% of teens earn their pocket money themselves, 86% - were obtained from parents and other relatives.
The habit of making the most money and have the time of your age you need to develop. While parents have a sufficient income, they are not particularly concerned about what their children can not solve the problems of life themselves, they are confident that they will always be able to help.
And they begin to beat the alarm only when the "endless infusion of" undermining its own standard of living, or suddenly open debts are forced to take any immediate action and look at their child to another unusual for them to part.
Here's what one of my reader wrote:
"I have a son. He will not serve in the army and works. At the moment of purchase of an apartment, where the question of cost and other costs had already been decided, suddenly I found out that my son had a friend with whom he lived at the time, 7000. I must say that I myself got into debt because I did not have enough money to buy an apartment (realtors, repair and so on. D.).
Some time later, I learned that he was no longer working and is in search of. Later it turned out that in the same place of work, he still owes another 10 thousand. I was shocked. Now he has found a job and eventually return the money to the old place of work and to me (I gave these 7000).
But before that son for nearly a month I am looking for work and found it after only a few of my tantrums. There was a feeling that the more I experience, and I press, the less he wanted to do something. But now I see that spend on their needs, he seeks, rather than pay the debt. Natalia. "
7. Another reason which makes it difficult for children to develop independence - a sense of guilt that you do not Doda your child.
Here we read a letter from Helena, which is the guardian of his brother, "Brother Sasha in his 19 years did not know how to handle money.
He can not remember where the money spent in the past week - be it a small or a huge sum. Is it possible in such an adult to teach a person competent to handle money?
Record income and expenses in a special notebook to nothing lead. Forget about it the next day, and every day require him to report on the expenditure, I do not want to he did not see me as a person who controls it. "
8. Lack of own goals and interests of the parents.
The lives of many of our fellow citizens, the children - this is the only "project", in which they put their forces, money, time and energy.
It turns out that when the child grows up - parents have nothing to do other projects and businesses do not have. And this pain prevents and slows down, first, child development, and secondly, it deprives the colors of their own lives.
As written by my colleague, who now lives in America, Love Latypova: "In the US, people ask me: Well, what's your next project? - Because it's accepted. Sister husband in America, selling your business at age 65, he immediately took up another, even more troublesome.
Previously, she had a design firm serving the District, an area of not more staff now - something like a home gostinichki where creative people come from all over the world when they want to escape from the daily routine and find inspiration for the analysis, creativity and planning.
Neighbor Elaine, where nearly seventy, and that grows stunning rose sews amazing quilt (things from the flaps), and at the same time engaged in a bunch of other projects, likes to say: "Life is too short to spend it in vain."
The Russian women are asking: Well, when retirement leave? - Implying that finally it will free jobs for young people and will also cook soup for the family and sit with their grandchildren (we have is synonymous with great age and beznadegi).
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